Over the last couple months I have been more reflective than usual. For those that know me well, this should come as no surprise. The reasoning behind this reflection comes from the ever growing need to know myself better; or at the very least, more objectively. During the past couple years I have become more attentive to the ’shadow’ side of my personality, which again should come as now surprise to anyone who has read the Marianas Trench. When I began writing that story a little over a decade ago, I had no idea it would possess me for as long as it has. Perhaps no writer knows how long a story will stay with them, but the subtle transformations within my mind and spirit that have come from the writing of that story have been invaluable. Only now am I beginning to see a glimpse of what others see. The true essence of who I really am…
About two years ago I came across the idea of Saturn’s Return. It’s an astrological event that happens to everyone approximately every 27-30 years. This event corresponds to great changes in a person’s life, and if the person is unprepared for these changes, then chaos ensues until said person is able to accept them. It seems that a lot of this chaos has to do with letting go and moving on. Forgetting those situations and people that brought you down, or letting go of behaviours that have been detrimental to you or others. Cue my Saturn’s Return…
The process of self-improvement has not always been quite a priority of mine, at least in my early 20’s. A lot of arrogance and inflated self-worth dominated my personality at that time, and perhaps still does to some degree. It’s my hope that I’ve not got on people’s nerves too much
.  Through the past year, I was the subject of a lot of ego destroying that saw me come into contact with a side of myself that I didn’t want to face. Lot’s of people started to tell me what my problem was: myself. Being too secretive. Not speaking out enough…etc, etc. At one point I felt pretty worthless, even though I had no real reason to be. Despite knowing that I was essentially a good person with lot’s of friends, I continued to look inward, searching for an answer…I didn’t even realize that I was listening to a part of the answer for a long time…
Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.
Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip ‘em to the lonesome end.
Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Terrified of being wrong. Ultimatum prison cell.
Saturn ascends, choose one or ten. Hang on or be humbled again.
Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip ‘em to the lonesome end.
Saturn ascends, comes round again.
Saturn ascends, the one, the ten. Ignorant to the damage done.
Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.
Wear the grudge like a crown. Desperate to control.
Unable to forgive. And we’re sinking deeper.
Defining, confining, controlling, and we’re sinking deeper.
Saturn comes back around to show you everything
Let’s you choose what you will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.
Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or
Drags you down like a stone
To consume you till you choose to let this go.
Give away the stone.
Let the oceans take and transmutate this cold and fated anchor.
Give away the stone.
Let the waters kiss and transmutate these leaden grudges into gold.
Let go.
The lyrics are from the Tool’s song ‘The Grudge’, from their 2000 album ‘Lateralus’…In my opinion, one of the most hopeful, meaningful albums that I’ve come across. The more one listens, more is revealed. I can say with certainty that album helped me though some rough patches, and continues to do so.
For the last 3 years I have taken up meditation again, as well as qigong, which has helped me feel better in every sense: mental, physical, and spiritual…I’ve come to realize that the Universe conspires to help you if you allow it to. So as I enter this new 30 year cycle, I’m more optimistic than I have ever been…hoping to improve my outlook with each passing day, however crazy that may sound. I thank all those who have been there with me on this journey, and continue to be there…Much love, and thank you. I look forward to the rest…More later.Â